Tastes Like Victory
by songandsilence
Summary: Someday this war will be over.


AN: The title and one line in the story are very obviously from the movie 'Apocolypse Now'. I'm not making money off of this, so don't sue me! RDM owns my soul, and these characters.

I just wanted to explore how war affects people - even the indomitable Starbuck.

**Tastes Like Victory**

Kara feels the bottom of her stomach drop out as her Viper shoots from the tube, feels herself fade a little. She grips the stick tighter and feels Starbuck take over, feels white-hot fear and rage rush through her veins.

_Greenbelt, Hotshot – watch your wing!_

The minute the blackness opens up around her she knows it's different. All the inter-planetary flights and sims could never get…this. It's a roiling mass of metal and fire and explosions with no sound. She freezes for an instant, feels the fear close her throat. Automatic override makes her yell, scream, and gun her bird forward.

_Whoa, whoa! Showboat, watch your back!_

_Got it, Redwing. Three raiders, 3 o'clock._

Kara can't quite take this. She isn't quite strong enough, isn't as sure of herself. Starbuck is frakking invincible. She barrels into the fray, shooting at everything that's not shaped like a Viper.

_Starbuck, Apollo. You've got a Raider on your back._

In an instant she flips in a terrifyingly fast 180 that makes her heart pause for a moment. She grins.

--

Juke is hurling her guts out in the hangar bay when Kara leaps back out of her Viper. The younger pilot doesn't even make it to a trashcan, almost hits a knuckle dragger. Kara frowns and unbuckles the top buckle of her flight suit, letting air touch her skin again.

A few people are yelling, some outright screaming. The ground crews are running around like crazy, trying to get the Vipers checked out and tend to the shocked pilots at the same time. Kara feels remarkably fine, actually. Despite the fact that it's her first actual combat. The first time she's actually killed something.

She turns to do her post-flight check-off, and as gives the list a once-over, she notices her hands are shaking. Badly.

"You alright, Lieutenant?" Cally pauses beside her for an instant, looking pale and breathless.

"Uh, yeah. Yep. Fine."

She makes her eyes focus on the paper.

--

_Flattop, watch it!!_ She screams into the com, stalling her engines and dropping straight down through the chaotic space. Looking up through the glass of her cockpit, she sees Flattop twist at the very last moment and live to fly another moment. Barely. She can see the deep rent on the side of his bird, hear him screaming in relief.

Starbuck swallows the bile in her throat and guns her bird up and under a Raider, following them with gritted teeth. She fires a burst and misses, just barely. The Cylons in the sims were never quite this fast.

There's a bright flash of light to her left and a silent explosion and suddenly Gears is blown from the sky. Panic sweeps through Starbuck and in an instant she's yelling again, yelling out her rage and her fear, and going after the Raider with renewed purpose.

Three seconds later she blows through fiery debris.

--

She spends an extra long time inspecting her bird. Touching the gouges in the pale metal makes her feel sick.

"Take a break for a second, Lieutenant," says the Chief as he rushes past. "Here." He tosses something to her, and she isn't expecting it. Still, her reflexes are wired on adrenaline now, and she catches it.

Looking down at the small tube in her hands, she almost bursts out laughing. Chapstick? He gave her chapstick? She pops it open and rubs it over her cracked lips, smiling. Then she realizes that this is one of the last tubes of chapstick in the entire universe.

She looses her smile as it falls from her fingers.

--

"Did someone tell her?"

"I don't know, probably."

"Someone should tell her."

Kara rolls her eyes at the whispers in the ready room and tilts her head towards the pilots doing the whispering. "Tell me what?" They fall silent. "Right."

"It's Helo, sir," one of them pipes up. "Boomer and Helo." Slowly, Kara turns to look at the man – boy, almost – and raises her eyebrows.

"Boomer and Helo what?" Her voice is sarcastic. Her two friends make a surprisingly good team, she thinks.

"They…uh. They went down a few hours ago. Over Caprica. I just heard someone come out of the CIC saying it." He looks sheepish, and Kara lets out a little snort of laughter.

"That's r – " She starts to laugh it off but stops short. It slips over her slowly, like an icy blanket being draped over her head and falling down her body. Her smile fades. She turns towards the front again, where Lee has just appeared at the podium.

_Helo and Boomer_. A sharp pain lances down her limbs and she swallows. _Right_.

--

Half an hour later, her eyes are closed and she's leaning against the chilly metal of the bathroom stall in the head. She tries to breath and feels her stomach rebel again.

"Starbuck? You in here?"

Suddenly Kara wants to crawl in a hole and die. Quickly. Lee's voice from outside the stall prompts her to move a little. Trying to stand is apparently a bad idea, because she stumbles a little and smacks her shoulder against the wall.

"Frak!" She slides to the floor again.

"Kara?"

He's right outside her stall now. She lets her breath out in a hiss.

"Yeah?"

He taps his fingers on the door. "Are you okay?" Her laugh is weak.

"Completely fine, Apollo. You can go on your merry way." He pushes open the door. Frak, she forgot to lock it in her haste to actually make it to the toilet. She almost winces as he stares down at her pale and disgusting form, half out of her flight suit. "Or not."

"Gods, Kara, are you okay?"

"Fine," she says bluntly, twisting away from him. The sudden motion is apparently too much for her stomach, and she dives for the toilet again.

She feels death on her skin. She's never killed anyone – any_thing_ – before, and even though they're machines…it was terrifying. Not that she'd ever say that out loud, but as she empties her stomach she has to admit that flying in an actual skirmish, in an actual _war_, is probably the most terrifying thing that she has ever done. And she's done some fairly terrifying things. And, gods, her friends were dying. Helo and Boomer and however many more. Just...gone. Dead in an instant. And they weren't just blinking out of a training game in a sim, they were gone. She chokes again.

"Hey, it's okay." Suddenly she feels something…alive, on her neck. Lee's hand is warm, a little sweaty, and very hesitant, but he's alive and he's there.

As he sits behind her in the tiny space and rubs the back of her neck, she finds it strange that he, of all people, should end up here with her. At the end of the world. He's survived twice now when he should have been dead, and Kara almost smiles. She's glad he's here.

"You're gonna be okay, Kara." He strokes her hair back with surprising gentleness. Her hair's too short to really need that, but the motion feels good. She closes her eyes, swallows, and takes a deep breath. "You're gone be okay."

"Yeah," she says on a sigh.

"Someday this war will be over," he whispers. "I know it's just starting, but someday it will end."

Breathe in, breathe out.

--

Kara runs through the hangar bay towards her Viper, dodging the ground crew and the other frantic pilots. The Cylons have appeared out of frakking nowhere and everyone's scrambling to battle stations.

She freezes about four feet from her bird, fear and anticipation making her throat tighten. For a second all she can see is death and fire and metal.

"Starbuck, get in you frakking bird!" Yells Lee from his Viper two down from hers.

That has her leaping up the ladder. "Yes sir!" Her helmet blocks out some of the sounds of panic and Starbuck grins. "Let's go."


End file.
